My emotions are everywhere yet no where at all. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. One minute I’m angry and the next I’m clam. I’m happy but sad and empty at the same time.
I sit here confused at the amount emotions happening all at once and the lack of how much I care what’s going on with them. I feel them all hitting me like a ton of bricks and yet I sit here like it’s not happening like I don’t feel them.
It’s not denial I know they’re there I just don’t care. I don’t care to deal with them, care to acknowledge what’s making me feel each emotion. My body says I’m filled with hurt, anger, grief, sadness, fear, joy, love, but my mind says I don’t care none of those emotions mean a thing.
I’m filled with so many emotions yet I feel so emotionless.
I remember writing a poem about you before I ever met you. I already had this image of what you’d look like. Dark chocolate, tall, and strong, with a gorgeous smile and teeth white as snow.
I hadn’t quite figured out your name or how and when I’d meet you but I already knew you were mine. March 20th 2011 I made a list of my perfect man that list just happened to be made on your birthday. April 2012 I met my soulmate I was only fourteen what did I know about a soulmate?
I was the new freshman I knew no-one I walked in a class full of juniors thinking couldn’t I at least be with kids in my grade? First I heard your voice although it sounded like heaven to my ears the words I heard weren’t all that pleasing.
I turned around to let you firmly know I wouldn’t tolerate the disrespect and as soon as our eyes locked it was like I was choking on my own tongue, everything I wanted to say escaped my brain.
The only thing that kept replaying in my mind is “this is your husband, he is yours”. A week went past and i hadn’t seen you or spoke to you, I knew it was too good to be true. I was fourteen what did I know about true love anyway? As I felt sorry for myself you stopped me in my tracks with that beautiful smile and my heart burst out of my chest.
You walked me to class, carried my books, and kissed my forehead. I remember thinking I could find no better and boy was I right because six years later I became your wife!
Why is it only men can be a work in progress but women can’t? Men are aloud to be emotionally damaged and play that card for their reckless behavior but women can’t.
Women are expected to stay and mold their man but a woman is already strong and doesn’t have mistakes or unhealthy relationship habits they need to fix.!
She’s just crazy not broken. She’s just crazy she don’t have issues to be fixed. She’s just crazy she’s not begging for help to fix what her past fucked up. She’s just crazy she’s not a work in progress.!
She’s hopeless, she will never be enough of what he needs or wants. She tries but the only thing she ever hears is try harder. She’s too temperamental, too shut off, too crazy, too lazy. She doesn’t have enough sex and has too much mouth.
She cherishes her friendships too much. She not emotionally available to him no matter how many times she tries change to his likings. She’s not affectionate enough.
She’s hopeless her past made her and even though he screamed he had accepted who she was fell in love with her for that reason, he didn’t really mean it. She’s hopeless because she’s too sensitive, she’ll mask her emotions through anger and shut down.
She’s hopeless because no matter what she does it’s not enough it will always be looked at as if she does not care. She’s hopeless yet nobody takes responsibility for how they’ve contributed to making her this way.
She’s hopeless but she’s not sure she cares anymore
He hit my line telling me he had a dream about me and needed to see me as soon as I wasn’t busy. Seeing that made me giddy, excited of what he would be tempted to do when he seen me. He wanted me just as much as I wanted him! We had a game of cat and mouse going the last two times I had been the mouse he was in complete control while I was at the complete mercy of his time. This time would be different!
He told me to come over at six but I made sure to have plans so I wouldn’t be on his time, I knew it made him very anxious and I enjoyed the thought of him thinking about me until I arrived when I was ready. He asked me again if I would be seeing him tonight and I told him yes.
I arrived at his place at 12am knowing he’d have to leave out soon to handle business we spent an hour talking and restraining from tearing each other’s clothes off. Tens minutes before he had to go I went to the bathroom his bed room light led me through the hallway. As I leave the bathroom the house is completely dark.
I hear him but I can’t see him as his chocolate skin disappears In the dark. His voice drives me crazy and I can tell by his tone he’s up to no good. I was the mouse again this time not in my own home but his. As I turn around to walk he pushes me up against the wall and roughly kisses me like it will be his last chance as my body weakens fireworks go in my head and my panties start to soak with my juices as I imagine being naked in his arms.
I didn’t come for this I came to be in charge this time. Everything was slow motion and has he slipped my hand into his pants allowing me to wrap my hand around every inch of his manhood I knew in that exact moment my next move.
I pull his dick out bend over and take in every inch of his sweet chocolate. My mouth waters up like it does when I’m looking at a meal I’m about to devour. As I deep throat I make sure to move my tongue like a snake to make sure every inch of his dick has been touched with my tongue ring. I hear him moan out in pure pleasure as he grips my hair in his hand.
I slowly take him out of me and slobber over every inch of him I like the tip as I look at him grin and then I pull up his pants and kiss him. I had to hold back laughter as I could see the fire In his eyes. At that point I knew I had won this round of the cat and mouse game we were playing.
He text me the next morning saying “when are we going to fuck I know you need me as much as I need you.” I smiled knowing I had him right where I wanted him.
We’ll enjoy everything really soon!
Her whole life has been a fantasy of the perfect marriage the perfect family. She had visions of living a happy ever after with the man that loved her unconditionally. She had dreams of giving him every last child he asked her body bare, every last child he’d hope she would help make possible to bring in this world.
Her dreams are coming true but not without a few hiccups she found the man of her dreams but not before having a child with a man she can’t stand but still her lover has treated her child as his own.
Her dreams continued to manifest her life continued to glow but now she questions her womanhood. The man she’s longed to build her fairytale with is finally asking her to bare his children and yet she can’t, she’s done everything right this time and yet she can’t.
She’s convinced her self in God’s time and yet that nagging voice in the back of her mind tells her she will never be enough woman to give him everything he desires, she will never be able to give him the child he longs for. She knows he’ll love her but will he love her completely if she can’t do the one thing her body was designed to do.
She’s questioning her womanhood which is making her question her worth, her purpose, her fairytale dreams of the perfect family. She questions her womanhood and often ask herself would he ever leave!
Loving you is hard, it isn’t as easy as riding a bike or taking a nap. Loving you brings questions, insecurities, highs and lows of emotions I didn’t know I could ever feel.
Loving you makes me scared, makes me hesitate on every thought of you that crosses my mind. You say you love me but there’s conditions. You say you love me but I know once you get me that “love” will fade.
Your love makes me happier than anything ever has and yet I’m beyond scared to experience it, beyond scared to fully love you like I want to.
Loving you is hard because I know it comes with conditions.