Pain

Didn’t Care 

He didn’t care he only laughed at my pain enjoyed those tears like he enjoyed the aroma of a tightly wrapped blunt burning as he inhaled. His own fears caused him to hurt the ones who cared the most, the ones who dared to never leave his side no matter how much we knew his own selfishness would be the cause of our own self destruction.

I didn’t care because I loved him. I loved his flaws caused by the fear and the pain of others. He didn’t care that I knew his deepest darkest secrets he didn’t care that he cried on my lap more than once. He blocked everything from mememory and never remembered the things he would tell me. I know more than he thinks because those nights he dared to self destruct he only got pissy drunk and poured out his heart. He didn’t care though, he wouldn’t remember but I’d never forget!

He doesn’t care that his selfishness will only inflict pain he won’t dare soberly admit that he’s hurting. He doesn’t care about any news that won’t benefit him he’s selfish and knows it. His pain will be everyone else’s because misery loves company and that’s the only thing he knows how to be comfortable with. He dances with his own demons because he can’t be scared if he knows their true intentions. He didn’t care that I loved him he wanted to get far away because the fear that love will only hurt like all the other times he didn’t dare take that chance.

He knew I’d stay he knew I was too real to break my promise but he still couldn’t trust my love. His mom had her own demons and well his dad just wasn’t interested, I couldn’t blame him for being so disconnected. He knew I’d stay at all cost so he didn’t care about my my pain.

I know he loved me but he couldn’t love himself. See he couldn’t love whole heartedly because he never learned to be okay with himself, he never learned to love, trust and not run. A product of his environment that he’d never care to admit.

See I never walked away for good and he’d know I was coming back expect this time I was the one who didn’t care because I had learned to love myself. I made a promise sadly one I had to break before I let him allow me to self destruct.

See now I don’t care and he does but he’ll never openly admit what his heart knows. He’s broken and he’s manage to become a lesson that made me whole

-Marie

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